It's been a long time (again), hasn't it?
These last few months have brought utter chaos. (Chaos seems to love me. The feeling is most definitely not mutual.) Over the last week, we are finally catching our breath.
So what's been happening? Our planned move back to New England fell apart at the last minute. We sold our house in Buffalo, and moved into an apartment in a house owned by friends of ours here, but there was a month's time in between the sale of our house and the availability of the apartment. So into storage went all our stuff—and I swear I didn't realize quite how much we've accumulated over the years, but it was quite an impressive amount—and off to my parents' house in Massachusetts went the kids and I. (In the middle of all this was my sister's wedding, of which I have absolutely no photos because I forgot my camera at her apartment. It was stunning and fabulous and so much fun.)
Also in the middle of it all I realized that I've been depressed. That funk I was in after my grandfather died? It never really went away, but I didn't realize it until I found myself standing outside my grandmother's house one night and wondering what, exactly, just happened.
In a way, I think I needed this well-considered and much-anticipated plan to fall apart. It's easy, when things keep falling into place, to convince yourself that you're holding it all together. But the reality is I was just barely holding it together well enough to just barely function, and all the things that fell into place were doing so in spite of me, not because of me.
I'm doing well now, but trying to be more aware of what's going on in my brain so I can try to avoid another long downswing. We're settling into our new (temporary) home, and I'm actually loving it. It's refreshing to not have a whole house to care for, and the small space is forcing us to make decisions about what things we really want in our space. We're talking about the future—tossing out wild ideas and thinking about ways off the beaten path that we might want to take next.
And I'm finding, for the first time in at least two years, that I really miss being in this space. I think I didn't want to write here because I didn't feel like there was much beauty in our life—I was so deep inside my own head that I was missing the beauty in the ordinary days—and it felt like so much work trying to find things worth sharing. I'm finally seeing that beauty again. I can't wait to share it.
For a long time I think I was stuck in an in-between place; I was where I was and I was going where I wanted to be, and once there, maybe I would feel like myself again. I'm finally back in a place where I can be happy where I am, even while looking forward to future adventures. With no set plan, and the world wide open to us, it's somehow easier to appreciate being here, now.